Getting Over The End of an Affair! ? The War Dance of the Mind and ...

I named my blog site The War Dance of the Mind and Soul for a reason?.because I wanted to be able to speak about the variety of things that cause us so much pain and struggle in life, that in order to survive, we have to find a way to positively resolve.? Getting over the end of an affair definitely causes us huge problems, on every level, and so to survive it?s important to look beyond the affair and our feelings about it, and identify what we need to see because of it!

We don?t have to be lacking anything to embark on the fantasy adventure that an affair offers us.? It can and does occur simply because we feel an attraction for the OP, that we want to take to the next satisfaction level.? However, many people who enter into an affair often say their long-term relationship was unsatisfactory, unfulfilled.? They felt taken for granted, unnoticed, unrewarded, bored!? Their life was in a rut, they didn?t like or love their partner any longer.? They no longer had communication in their relationship! In other words, they wanted more from their lives than what they had!

There are many reasons why people get involved in affairs. We know they cause problems, we know people will get hurt, and yet we still do it ? because we think we will find something in our life that?s been missing! We think we have found true love!And whilst the relationship is in action as it unravels it?s possibilities, and we are caught up in the drama and excitement of all that the illicit dance of intimacy evokes, our attention is on how we can get more of what we want, and how we can keep it forever! And thus, avoid returning to the emotional state, whatever it was, before the affair started.

Affairs are not simple things to manage, because there are complicated emotional and mental processes in action, that if not managed in secrecy will create a knock-on effect that could seriously hurt other members of each family involved.? And yet knowing that an affair could cause us or others immense pain, is not always enough to stop us having affairs.? Or hankering after someone we can?t be with, after the actual affair relationship has ended!

There are various stages to an affair that we need to process, because each stage has the opportunity to lead us on a route containing separate stages, that lead to different outcomes. Affairs stimulate a really complicated emotional and mental process, which would take too long to write about here. So to simplify, we?ll call the process stages the beginning, middle and end.

The first beginning stage is filled with exhilarating, exciting moments where we have to look at us and what we?re doing ? and decide whether to still ?do it? because of how much pain we?re going to create,?through our lust-filled deeds and thoughts!? Whereas the middle contains the all-engrossing ?What If?s..? that lead us on a merry dance to heaven or hell, and back.? Where we ride the often uncontrollable, roller-coaster of ups and downs, that fear, yearning, sexual impulses, personal satisfaction, and ambivalence can create!

The stage that leads to the end of an affair is less appealing.? Because this is where we have to face the consequences of our actions, and deal with unwanted, negative emotions and impulses, that drive us to make decisions that work against our highest good.? Feelings of being rejected or not good enough, make us prone to pressure from the unrealistic demands of others. Whilst guilt, anxiety and fear, caused because of whom we have hurt, calls for punishment we deem justified, from others, or even via the righteousness of God!

And because we experience that terrible emptiness inside, where the once empty void had been filled, but now the stimulus of the affair has gone is emptying again, we can find it hard to imagine that life will get any better for us in the future. And wonder, with regret, whether the affair was worth getting into at all! But now it?s too late for that!? It?s over and done with.? Been and gone!? But life isn?t back to normal.? In fact whereas before the affair life was sort of chuggling along okay, in it?s own way, nothing in life feels right now!

So what is an affair really about??Say you?ve become involved with someone who you fantasise?about, become obsessed with.? You can?t wait to see them, hear their voice; it makes you feel so much better!? You may even have become physically involved with them, where the powerful memories and thoughts associated to sexual drives, feed every sensation in your body and soul! This is soooo powerful!? It?s not surprising that it makes you believe in the impossibilities contained within your secret world!

Everyday life and relationships are put on hold because your attention is on the Other Person ? the one who possibly has the key to getting most of your important needs met, maybe forever! They have hardly any faults, they treat you okay.? ?With a little more time I?ll get them to treat me exactly how I want!? we gleefully remind ourselves, remembering how ?? doesn?t.

We make everything sound so simple, or complicated, as we erroneously contemplate that our life would be complete (or so much better) if we were with this person who has so much that we want.? We?ve known them for such a short time, yet they know us, see us, accept us in a way that no-one else has ? so it must be right mustn?t it?? ?We can tell each other anything!?, ?We communicate on every level!?. ?How can something so good be wrong?? we say!? ?Other people could get hurt, of course they could. But isn?t my happiness worth fighting for?? we ask ourselves.? ?Don?t I deserve to have some of what I want in my life, regardless of how ?? feels about it??.? ?I?ve done this for ?? for years, now it?s my time to have what I want!?.

Our mind, being the dream machine in action, will try to convince us more??And if I don?t have the OP in my life to give me what I?m missing, where else am I going to find a way to feel as I do, when I think about them?? The hopes, dreams, fantasies that fill my mind!? These things make me feel good on one level, yet bad on another.? They make me confused of course, but I can deal with that. As there?s this thread of a dream that is still alive ? if only I can hold on to it. If only the OP would want me as I want them, if only I/they weren?t married to ??, then we could be together.? And unlike the ?? relationship, I know we would make this one work, and our life would be perfect (after we?ve sorted out all the crap that goes with long-term relationship breakdown of course)!?.

Fantasy thinking can make us feel great! But this is all it is usually?fantasy thinking that leads us to believe in the unlikely possibility that we can get what our ego desires! And when the reality of the situation hits, which it inevitably does, we?re not ready to deal with the fallout, and it?s often us who gets hurt the most. Because we know we can?t undo our past actions, wind the clock back, go back to where we were originally, before we met the OP!? Thus we increase our suffering, because we don?t know how to deal with our future!

When any relationship ends we enter various levels of the grief process.? This means that for a time, because we have broken dreams, we may feel sad, bad, unhappy, and could be plagued with feelings of regret, shame, anxiety, guilt and fear, that overwhelm our capacity to settle back into our relationship with ?? and life!?Also, when an affair ends we mistakenly believe that should be the end of the matter ? but it isn?t! ?How could it be when something that feels so good has entered our lives and then left? We can?t help but wonder if we?ve failed yet again, can we? Thus our reactive self-protective nature steps up it?s need to prove it is safe and worthy, causing us even more problems!

Because so many thoughts, emotions and memories have been stimulated, they now have to be processed!? For if they?re not, we won?t be able to let go of conceived ideals about us, our life, the affair relationship, and our future, and it will make our recovery more difficult!? As regardless of who, what, why, if we?ve been involved with someone who makes us feel something good, that we?ve not felt before, or for a long time, we have to be aware that regardless of what we believe about them, this other person does not hold the secrets to our life that will make us forever happy. Nor do they have the power to make our life complete!

So this is probably the most important part of any affair? When it ends, as it usually does?.HOW DO WE RECOGNISE THE SPARK OF LOVE AND LIFE THAT HAS BEEN AWAKENED WITHIN US ? AND FIND A WAY TO NURTURE IT FOR OURSELVES!

When our passion for life has subsided, there?s little to stimulate the exhilarating feelings that new creative challenges can provide for us.? So when we engage with an OP, who pushes the buttons that wake us up and bring us back to life, it feels great!! It feels like THEY are the powerful ones who have made us want to live again.? But they aren?t ? they haven?t!? All they did was to help us recognise that we wanted more!? But we?d become complacent!? We didn?t know how to get more!? We didn?t even know that we needed more, as we thought we were happy!? We thought we were coping inside! But meeting them made us see that we weren?t!? We were just slumbering within the mundane habits that we?d created our life around!

So the crux of getting over an affair seems to be about finding a better way to manage yourself and life, in such a way that is stimulating, filled with new challenges, has plenty of opportunities for you to meet new people and excel in what you enjoy doing!? This means instead of constantly thinking about the OP and what you are missing about them, or reminiscing about opportunities that might have been if you were still with them, you make the real effort to refocus your thinking, and concentrate on you, your life, your actions, and your future dreams!

And whilst you are getting over the end of an affair, although you are thrust back into the old world, with the old ways and the old partner, things don?t have to be the same as before do they?? For if nothing changes within that relationship, you will continue to experience the same feelings as before! As whilst guilt and fear will motivate different responses?between you, they are not always enough to light your light!??Only you can do that by?actions you take,?that help you find peace in your awakening heart and troubled mind!

Please be aware that when an affair ends, your life starts something new!? There has been a part of your soul that has been awakened to love (or lust).? Doesn?t matter which really, as they are both very creative!? If you had not met the OP this part of your soul may not have awakened.? But now it has, it is your responsibility alone to make sure that you nurture it.? Help it to grow!? Remember how you felt inside during the early stages of the affair.? Remember the excitement, the surge of energy, the optimism, hope and new-found ability to dream creatively.? This is yours to keep and use to your best advantage!? And it can be found in other ways rather than using an affair!

Helping your soul to flourish, by discovering a better way to stimulate your inner happiness, is part of our life?s work!? We need other people to help us identify what we need.? They cannot always provide it for us, but they can show us there is another way!? If your life isn?t happy, rather than looking at others to fix you, look at you and what actions you are or aren?t taking, that could make your life feel better or worse! It takes a lot of strength and courage to pull ourselves out of the self-created rut, we inadvertently create as our life! You have this strength.? You have the courage! You can change your life for the better!

So, if you are still suffering because you have been struggling to come to terms with Getting Over The End of an Affair, instead of thinking about the OP, start thinking about what you need to do now, that will lock into the passion, your passion, that was stimulated by the OP.? Make that your new project that you can think and dream about!? Anything creative will use the same energy!? Writing, singing, reading, dancing, talking, teaching, painting, playing musical instruments, exercise, writing a journal, meditation, learning new skills, re-decorating, starting a new project, etc.

If you think more constructively about your own life, there?s so much you can do! And when you take action that necessitates you making the effort to get a consequential reward/outcome, you will evoke the emotional satisfaction that makes you feel good, and encourage you to believe that you can achieve more than you have before!

Affairs touch our heart for a valid reason!? To help us grow, to learn, to change who we have become!

Please don?t let your affair destroy your life or your Soul!

Source: http://thewardanceofthemindandsoul.wordpress.com/2012/10/19/getting-over-the-end-of-an-affair/

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